The Fayette Tribune, Oak Hill, W.Va.

Local News

January 21, 2013

Why God invented menopause

Chuckles

Toubleshooting — Adam had been doing tech support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet Division for about a month when he had a customer call with a problem he just couldn’t seem to solve.

She couldn’t print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled Adam because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

He had the customer change ink cartridges. He had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked.

He asked his co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, Adam was about to tell the customer to send the printer in for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?”

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Squirrel! — Nothing seems to dim my 13-year-old nephew’s sense of humor, and he’s certainly not above being the butt of a joke.

Shortly after he was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD), he approached his father. “Hey, Dad! How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?”

“Gee, I don’t know,” his father said, pretending to think a moment. “Oh, I give up. How many?” he said.

“Let’s go ride our bikes.”

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Why God invented menopause — With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

“May we see the new baby?” one asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another few minutes elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries!” she told them.

“When it cries?!” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because I forgot where I put it.”

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Semantics — Boss to employee seated across the desk from him: “Technically, we’re not firing you. We’re just moving you to an exit-level position.”

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Best buddies — When my friend’s sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant’s measurements: 36-22-36.

“Rory,” his mom asked, “what are those numbers?”

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, “Ninety-four?”

Rory got to spend the night.

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Dueling sleepers — A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions, while his hobby was golf.

The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, “Fore!”

His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, “Four fifty!”

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Due date — His wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly, she began to shout, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! CAN’T!”

Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening.

“Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She just started calling out words — ‘Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! CAN’T!’ — over and over again, with an occasional ‘Isn’t!’ and ‘Won’t!’ thrown in. What’s going on!? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is wrong with my wife?!” he cried.

“Not to worry,” said the doctor. “Get her to the hospital, I’ll meet you there.”

“But what is it?” queried the husband.

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” assured the doctor. “It’s perfectly normal and just part of her pregnancy. She’s just having contractions, that’s all!”

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Groaner — As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.

Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling 20 feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves.

A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt.

The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.

The man’s injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering.

On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.

“What!?” exclaimed the man. “You’re going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?”

“Oh no,” replied the policeman. “We’re arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That’s a clear case of illegal eavesdropping.”

— E-mail: ckeenan@register-herald.com

 

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