By Cheryl Keenan
Updated lyrics — Listening to an oldies radio station, my friend’s six-year-old evidently got the 1960s mixed up with the 21st century. Instead of singing along, “Goin’ to the chapel And we’re gonna get married,” I heard him sing, “Goin’ to the chat room And we’re gonna get married.”
A rose by any other... — An elderly gent was invited to his old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms — “Honey,” “My love,” “Darling,” “Sweetheart,” “Pumpkin,” etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”
The old man hung his head, appearing ashamed.
“I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
Abracadabra — A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, “What on earth have I done?”
He began to ponder, “How am I going to bring back my beloved family? I don’t know any magic to turn them back into people!”
So, he thought for a while and decided it would be a good idea to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and, after some serious surgery, he saw the doctor approaching and asked him, “Doc, how are they?”
The doctor replied, “Comfortable!”
A proposition — Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool at the back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party, he announced, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give $1 million or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!
A guy in the pool was swimming as fast as he could; the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
“My boy,” he said, “that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done!
“But I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the $1 million?”
“Listen,” the swimmer said. “I don’t want your money, and I don’t want your daughter! I want the name of the person who pushed me in that water!”
Hmm, that’s true — While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell “piranha.”
I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.
That’s when I overheard another pupil say to him, “Why bother to look it up? She doesn’t know how to spell it anyway.”
Too late! — Once in a centuries-old showplace cathedral where some of the artwork was being refurbished, the workers rigged a “cage elevator” inside so they could get materials up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these “cage elevators” is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be “called” to another floor.
One day one of the workers, named Peter, took the elevator to the top floor, and it was subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open.
After the sexton rang for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yelled up for the worker to send the elevator back down.
Thus, visitors to the cathedral were treated to the sight of the sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens: “Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!”
Groaner — Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the brothers.
“Hello,” the first one said. “I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you,” replied the nun. “I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever had. Did the two of you cook it?”
Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
Looking at Brother Michael, she questioned, “Then you must be...?”
“Yes,” he interrupted before she could go on. “I’m afraid I’m the chip monk.”
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