The Fayette Tribune, Oak Hill, W.Va.

Local News

January 14, 2013

Do you see what I see?

Chuckles

Getting what you ask for — A friend of mine was telling me her flight from Boston to New York was delayed, which meant she missed her connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of other passengers, all in the same boat, each hoping to book seats on the next flight out. All the passengers waited patiently except for one man who treated the ticket agent very rudely.

“I had an aisle seat reserved and I’d better get an aisle seat when we get on another plane,” he ranted and raved.

A few minutes later the ticket agent announced that there would be room for everyone.

“And, sir,” she said, addressing the rude fellow, “I’m happy to tell you that I was able to get you an aisle seat.”

The man, still muttering, picked up his carry on, grabbed his boarding pass, and headed through the door.

The agent continued, “And I’m also pleased to announce the rest of you will be seated in first class.”

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A rose by any other name... — The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

“The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’” she began.

“Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month — until you loathe it.”

The woman paused, looked up and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Adkins Diet?”

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Driving lesson — My teenaged niece Rachel was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, “Turn left here, and don’t forget to let the people behind you know what you’re doing.”

Rachel turned to the other students sitting in the backseat and announced, “I’m going left.”

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Do you see what I see? — Coming out of church, Mrs. McClain asked her husband, “Do you think that O’Conner girl is tinting her hair?”

“I didn’t even see her,” admitted Mr. McClain.

“And that dress Mrs. Stillwater was wearing,” continued Mrs. McClain. “Really, don’t tell me you think that’s proper attire for a mother of two!”

“I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said Mr. McClain.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” snapped Mrs. McClain. “A lot of good it does you to go to church.”

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Hazards of the profession — A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking on the side of the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud, satisfying “THUMP!” Then he would swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was going along he saw a local minister hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his truck over.

He rolled down the window and asked the minister, “Where are you going, Preacher?”

“I’m going to church 5 miles down the road,” replied the preacher.

“No problem, Preacher! C’mon, I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”

The happy minister climbed into the passenger seat and the truck continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a preacher in the truck with him, so, at the last minute he swerved away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUMP!” Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the man of the cloth and said, “I’m sorry, Preacher, I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay,” replied the minister. “I got him with the door!”

-----

Now that’s a plan — In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his young son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, “You know, Bobby, if we really mess this up, we’ll never have to do it again.”

-----

Groaner — A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “Hey! This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

— E-mail: ckeenan@register-herald.com

 

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