By Cheryl Keenan
Real life classified oops — Lost — One small apricot poodle. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Good Eats — A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special — Turkey: $2.35; Chicken or beef: $2.25; Children: $2.
Alterations — We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale — Quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat-size 8, and fur collar.
For Sale — Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
And these reporting laughs — Reported on the internet, source unknown — Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.
From University of Wisconsin-Madison Badger Herald (copy editor sleeping; please do not disturb) — “Located in University Health Services, the Blue Bus clinic offers free sexually transmitted disease to students.”
They walk among us — In Farmington, Mo., a 28-year-old woman, in court facing a drug charge, was also charged with theft, after she stole several items from the court, including the judge’s gavel, on her way out of the courtroom.
In Milwaukee, Wis., a bank robber wrote his holdup note on the back of his probation papers, which noted he was on probation for bank robbery.
A Greenburg, Pa., woman was planning to burn down her house for the insurance money. She removed almost all of her furniture, a TV, clothes, and several large appliances, and covered them with a protective tarp, in her back yard, before setting the house on fire.
In Butler, Pa., a 63-year-old man was charged with marijuana possession when officers spotted the drug on the floor of his car, which they had stopped because he had been cruising down he road, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his car had only three tires.
On Long Island, N.Y., a young man stole a TV, an MP3 player, a desktop computer and a phone from an electronics store, returned a few days later to return the TV, the MP3 player, the desktop computer, and the phone for a refund.
An Atlanta woman with counterfeit bills she wanted to pass, went to a grocery store, and attempted to pay for goods by mixing the counterfeit bills in with some real cash. When a clerk noticed that some of the bills were fake, Cartwright fled, leaving all the cash behind. Upon returning home, she had her boyfriend call the police and ask if they could come by the station and claim the money she’d left behind that wasn’t fake. The cops said, “Sure.” The two were arrested when they arrived at the police station.
Bumper stickers — Don’t play stupid with me. I’m better at it!
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
Was today really necessary?
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
Where did I come from? — Recently the daughter of a friend of mine went up to her mother and asked, “Mom, where did I come from?”
My friend stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told her how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born.
As my friend presented the whole story, her daughter’s eyes got wider and wider.
When she was finished, her daughter said, “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Uncle John told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania.”
Cooking, food terms in my house — Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog wouldn’t eat.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
WWJD — A man walked into a gift shop that sells religious items.
Near the cash register he saw a display of baseball caps with “WWJD” printed on them. Puzzled by what the letters meant, he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied the letters stood for “What Would Jesus Do,” and that the question was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation, and then act.
The man thought this over for a moment and then replied, “Hmmm! Well, I imagine Jesus wouldn’t pay $17.95 for one of these baseball caps!”
— E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org