By Cheryl Keenan
Wise words — Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
He’s right — Teacher to a third grade student: “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1977, how old are they now?”
Billy: “It depends.”
Teacher: “It depends on what?”
Billy: “It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
You might be a redneck Jedi if..... — You ever used the phrase, “May the force be with ya’ll.”
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side, it’ll be a hoot.”
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
If you hear, “Billy Bob, I am your father AND your uncle!”
Bad day on the links — Mark was having a really bad day on the golf course. Right around the 14th hole, it seems he had missed one putt too many. He let loose with a fairly impressive string of profanities, grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward the lake by the 15th tee.
“Uh-oh,” said his caddie to one of his playing partners, “There goes that club.”
“You think so?” said his partner. “I’ve got five bucks says he misses the water!”
Bumper stickers — Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
Caution: I drive like you do.
Forget About World Peace! Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Organized crime is alive and well; it is called auto insurance.
There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me.
A visit with Mr. Ed — A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, as he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, “It’s your fuel pump.”
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
“Who said that?” he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, “It’s your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again.”
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and, sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
“Gimme a large whiskey, please!” he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked, “What’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”
“It’s unbelievable,” the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. “A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”
The man replied to the affirmative. “Yes, it was! Am I crazy?”
“No, you ain’t crazy. In fact, you’re lucky,” said the rancher, “because that black horse don’t know squat about cars!”
The Good Samaritan — A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows, so he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened.
She says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
Still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, “Where are you?”
The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
— E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org