How the fight started — A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3:00 in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Oh no! That must be my husband!”
The guy quickly jumped out of the bed. Scared and naked, he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
“Yeah,” she yelled back, “then why were you running?”
And that, folks, is how the fight started.
Just curious — How important does a person have to be before he is considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he or she call?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Cruisin’ — A while back, a couple was on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a cruise ship. At dinner they noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. They also noticed that the staff, ship’s officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. The husband, Jim, asked the waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As the couple left the dining room one evening Jim caught her eye and stopped to say hello. They chatted and he said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.”
“Yes,” she replied, “that’s true.”
“I don’t understand,” Jim said, and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.”
Bumper stickers — Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
A day without sunshine is like night
On the other hand, you have different fingers
I just got lost in thought. It wasn’t familiar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe
Remember, half the people you know are below average
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Diet for those who are stressed — A regimen designed for those who face a stressful day.
BREAKFAST: 1/2 grapefruit; 1 slice whole wheat toast, dry; 8 oz. skim milk
LUNCH: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast; 1 c. steamed spinach; 1 c. herb tea; 1 cookie
MIDAFTERNOON SNACK: Rest of the package of cookies; 2 pts. ice cream; 1 jar hot fudge sauce; nuts, cherries, whipped cream
DINNER: 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese; large sausage, mushrooms and cheese pizza; 4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer; 3 candy bars
LATE EVENING NEWS: Entire cheese cake. Eat directly from freezer.
Rules for this diet:
1. If you eat something and no one sees it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count unless you eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else, you look thinner.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
7. Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: peanut butter on a knife used for making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon used to prepare a soda.
NOTE: Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
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Old goats — A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”