Just follow the light
Observation — I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Pop quiz — Fellow died and at the Pearly Gates was told by St. Peter that new rules were in effect and in order to gain admission, correct answers were required to three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T.”
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?
The fellow gave the following answers:
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names: Andy and Howard.
Peter took “Today” and “Tomorrow” as okay answers, but questioned the 12 seconds in a year.
The man said, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......”
“Okay,” Peter said, “but what about God’s first name?”
The man said, “Well, from the song... ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...?’ and the prayer... ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name....’”
Saint Peter let him in without further ado.
How’s that again? — Someone once figured we have about 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
Courtroom drama — A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a recent trial.
Q. Now Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No, but I subsequently observed a guy matching the description of the perp running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. Johnson, the officer who responded at the scene.
Q. I see... A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Let me ask you, do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Your LIFE?! Now then officer, do you not have a locker room in the police station — a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, you know very well that we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. Actually sir, it’s like this... We share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that very room.
Age factor — Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Strike three? — A fellow got up one morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was going to be different. Sure enough, he started to see signs — the outside thermometer said 33 degrees; the downstairs clock had stopped at 3 o’clock; he checked the calendar and noted it was the third day of the month.
Three! That was it!! He flipped through his newspaper and checked the racing section — sure enough, in the third race was a horse named Trio. He hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on Trio to win.
Trio, of course, finished third.
Two-timing — Eve: Are you seeing another woman?
Adam: What do you think — I’m made of ribs?
Just follow the light — Back in the boondocks once upon a time, the hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father a lantern and told him to hold it up high. Pretty soon, a baby boy was brought into the world and the hillbilly started to put the lantern down.
“Whoa,” said the doctor. “Not so quick there, son.”
And then a girl was born.
Again, the doctor told him, “Keep that light up there. I think there’s another one about to come out.”
The hillbilly couldn’t stand it any longer and asked, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
Just wondering — How do you explain “counter-clockwise” to kids who grew up with digital watches?
Groaner — A man with an enormous two-foot newt on his shoulder walks into a bar and says, “Can I have a pint of lager for me, and a cola for Tiny, please?”
The bartender gives him the drinks, takes his money, all the while looking at the enormous beast, and says, “Why do you call him Tiny?”
The man replies, “Cuz he’s my newt!”
Just follow the light
- Local News
Energy Express makes impact on students’ lives
Energy Express to him, Matt White says, is all about a “different experience.”
The local Maurices is involved in a project aimed at making the school transition a little easier this fall for foster children in the area.
Children’s Health and Safety Fair scheduled for August 1
Montgomery General Hospital and Dr. Traci Acklin have announced that the 2014 Children’s Health and Safety Fair will be held on Friday, Aug. 1 from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the hospital.
Theater to hold auditions
Open auditions are set for Tuesday and Thursday at the Historic Fayette Theater for the comedy/drama “Belongings”. Auditions will be held at the theater in Fayetteville at 7 p.m. each evening.
- 25 years and counting
Free concert series
The next free public concert in the Lively Family Amphitheater Summer Concert Series is a performance Saturday at 6 p.m. by popular band Taylor Made.
Energy Express open house set
Energy Express, an award-winning summer reading program serving 35+ children in Fayette County, will host a free open house for members of the Beards Fork SALS community. The event takes place on Thursday, July 24, at 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.
- Stages of life
Explore town’s rail heritage
Discover what life was like in one of the New River Gorge’s most renowned towns as you join National Park Service rangers and Operation Lifesaver on Saturday, July 19 from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. to explore the historic railroad town of Thurmond.
- Demolition and disposal
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- Energy Express makes impact on students’ lives