Just follow the light
Observation — I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Pop quiz — Fellow died and at the Pearly Gates was told by St. Peter that new rules were in effect and in order to gain admission, correct answers were required to three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T.”
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?
The fellow gave the following answers:
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names: Andy and Howard.
Peter took “Today” and “Tomorrow” as okay answers, but questioned the 12 seconds in a year.
The man said, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......”
“Okay,” Peter said, “but what about God’s first name?”
The man said, “Well, from the song... ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...?’ and the prayer... ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name....’”
Saint Peter let him in without further ado.
How’s that again? — Someone once figured we have about 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
Courtroom drama — A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a recent trial.
Q. Now Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No, but I subsequently observed a guy matching the description of the perp running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. Johnson, the officer who responded at the scene.
Q. I see... A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Let me ask you, do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Your LIFE?! Now then officer, do you not have a locker room in the police station — a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, you know very well that we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. Actually sir, it’s like this... We share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that very room.
Age factor — Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Strike three? — A fellow got up one morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was going to be different. Sure enough, he started to see signs — the outside thermometer said 33 degrees; the downstairs clock had stopped at 3 o’clock; he checked the calendar and noted it was the third day of the month.
Three! That was it!! He flipped through his newspaper and checked the racing section — sure enough, in the third race was a horse named Trio. He hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on Trio to win.
Trio, of course, finished third.
Two-timing — Eve: Are you seeing another woman?
Adam: What do you think — I’m made of ribs?
Just follow the light — Back in the boondocks once upon a time, the hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father a lantern and told him to hold it up high. Pretty soon, a baby boy was brought into the world and the hillbilly started to put the lantern down.
“Whoa,” said the doctor. “Not so quick there, son.”
And then a girl was born.
Again, the doctor told him, “Keep that light up there. I think there’s another one about to come out.”
The hillbilly couldn’t stand it any longer and asked, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
Just wondering — How do you explain “counter-clockwise” to kids who grew up with digital watches?
Groaner — A man with an enormous two-foot newt on his shoulder walks into a bar and says, “Can I have a pint of lager for me, and a cola for Tiny, please?”
The bartender gives him the drinks, takes his money, all the while looking at the enormous beast, and says, “Why do you call him Tiny?”
The man replies, “Cuz he’s my newt!”
Just follow the light
- Local News
Laird makes plea to save county golf course
Officials in Fayette County are trying to keep a landmark recreational destination away from the state chopping block as lawmakers grapple with a $265 million budgetary shortfall.
Rockefeller reflects on 50 years of support for W.Va. families
Meeting with advocates who are on the frontlines in supporting West Virginia families, Senator Jay Rockefeller said a lot has been accomplished in his 50 years of public service — but that there is more work to do, if all families in the state are to be given all possible chances to succeed.
- Good game!
Fayette mother accused of forging doctor’s excuses
A Fayette County mother faces prison time after allegedly forging doctor’s excuses to avoid a misdemeanor truancy charge.
- Mount Hope fun
HFT announces its 2014 season
The year 2014 brings exciting new opportunities to the Historic Fayette Theater. Once again, Main Stage shows will form the core of the presentations, while special programming comprises the Second Season. These shows are designated as Second Season because they are often pre-cast and offer HFT regulars new opportunities.
Help offered for ACA enrollment
March 31 is the final deadline to apply for private health insurance coverage through the Individual Marketplace created by the Affordable Care Act.
Going to the fair
Several area students participated in last Saturday’s Fayette County Social Studies Fair at Oak Hill High School.
Local food producers highlighted
The West Virginia Food and Farm Coalition will host an exhibition of local food producers in the Beckley/southern West Virginia area March 13 from 11:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. at the Dream Center.
Symphony, chorus spring season begins March 3
The spring season of the New River Youth Symphony & Chorus opens on Monday, March 3 at Oak Hill High School and musicians and singers are welcome to join.
- More Local News Headlines
- Laird makes plea to save county golf course