Just follow the light
Observation — I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Pop quiz — Fellow died and at the Pearly Gates was told by St. Peter that new rules were in effect and in order to gain admission, correct answers were required to three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T.”
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?
The fellow gave the following answers:
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names: Andy and Howard.
Peter took “Today” and “Tomorrow” as okay answers, but questioned the 12 seconds in a year.
The man said, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......”
“Okay,” Peter said, “but what about God’s first name?”
The man said, “Well, from the song... ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...?’ and the prayer... ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name....’”
Saint Peter let him in without further ado.
How’s that again? — Someone once figured we have about 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
Courtroom drama — A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a recent trial.
Q. Now Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No, but I subsequently observed a guy matching the description of the perp running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. Johnson, the officer who responded at the scene.
Q. I see... A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Let me ask you, do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Your LIFE?! Now then officer, do you not have a locker room in the police station — a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, you know very well that we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. Actually sir, it’s like this... We share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that very room.
Age factor — Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Strike three? — A fellow got up one morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was going to be different. Sure enough, he started to see signs — the outside thermometer said 33 degrees; the downstairs clock had stopped at 3 o’clock; he checked the calendar and noted it was the third day of the month.
Three! That was it!! He flipped through his newspaper and checked the racing section — sure enough, in the third race was a horse named Trio. He hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on Trio to win.
Trio, of course, finished third.
Two-timing — Eve: Are you seeing another woman?
Adam: What do you think — I’m made of ribs?
Just follow the light — Back in the boondocks once upon a time, the hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father a lantern and told him to hold it up high. Pretty soon, a baby boy was brought into the world and the hillbilly started to put the lantern down.
“Whoa,” said the doctor. “Not so quick there, son.”
And then a girl was born.
Again, the doctor told him, “Keep that light up there. I think there’s another one about to come out.”
The hillbilly couldn’t stand it any longer and asked, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
Just wondering — How do you explain “counter-clockwise” to kids who grew up with digital watches?
Groaner — A man with an enormous two-foot newt on his shoulder walks into a bar and says, “Can I have a pint of lager for me, and a cola for Tiny, please?”
The bartender gives him the drinks, takes his money, all the while looking at the enormous beast, and says, “Why do you call him Tiny?”
The man replies, “Cuz he’s my newt!”
Just follow the light
- Local News
Wood graduates from military training courses
Army National Guard Pfc. David A. Wood Jr. has graduated from One Station Unit Training (OSUT) at Fort Leonard Wood, Waynesville, Mo., which included basic military training and advanced individual training (AIT).
Class of 2013 honored at WVU Tech
West Virginia University Institute of Technology honored the Class of 2013 during the 114th commencement on campus this past Saturday.
Commission works on getting facility up and running
Now that the new downtown amphitheater is up, the City of Oak Hill is taking steps to get it running.
At a council meeting on Monday night, members considered and eventually passed a rental contract for those who want to make use of the facility.
Former Mount Hope man invites city government to engage in sports tourism
A former Mount Hope resident says the town and the region are ripe to develop a sports tourism industry, given the potential of a unique stadium and gymnasiums at the YMCA building and the former Mount Hope High School.
Judge rejects settlement, dismisses negligence claims in alleged school rape
A federal judge has rejected a $65,000 settlement offer in a case involving the alleged rape of a young girl at the former Mount Hope High School, while at the same time throwing out negligence claims against one of the teachers originally listed in the suit.
Nearly 300 graduate at New River CTC
New River Community and Technical College as well as its nearly 300 graduates proved Samuel Johnson’s assertion that “Great works are performed not by strength, but by perseverance” during the college’s 10th commencement exercises Saturday at the Chuck Mathena Center in Princeton.
Garden club holds tree planting ceremony
Woodland Oaks Garden Club met on May Day along the White Oak Rail Trail at the Depot for a tree planting ceremony honoring Brenda Moore, West Virginia State Garden Club President.
Farmers Market open
The Fayette County Farmers Market is open each Saturday in Fayetteville from 7:30 to 11:30 a.m. The market is located in the parking lot of the Convention and Visitor’s Bureau at the entrance to Fayetteville. The market will be held every Saturday at that location through November.
SALS to sponsor summer food program
The Southern Appalachian Labor School announces the sponsorship of the Summer Food Service Program at the SALS Community Center in Beards Fork, Montgomery City Pool and the Historic Oak Hill School. In accordance with federal law and U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) policy, this institution is prohibited from discriminating on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, age or disability.
Page-Kincaid recognizes Grant’s 30 years of service
Mary Grant, the bookkeeper/cashier at the Page-Kincaid PSD for 30 years, retired in early April. Mary started with the PSD in 1983 as the cashier, working with the PSD’s former bookkeeper Dorothy Jeffers. Upon the retirement of Dorothy Jeffers, Mary assumed the duties of bookkeeper and office manager in 2008. Mary also possessed a Class I water operator license and served in a back-up capacity to Bart Jackson.
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- Wood graduates from military training courses