By Cheryl Keenan
Sorry, I have a headache — After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late and you’re still not ready?!”
A long and healthy life? — A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?”
“I think that is a wise decision,” the doctor replies. “Let’s see, do you smoke?”
“Oh, you know, only about half a pack a day.”
“Starting now, no more smoking.” The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, “Do you drink?”
“Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.”
“Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.”
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, “How do you eat?”
“Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.”
“Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.”
The man is now really worried. “Doc, is all this really necessary?”
“Do you want to live long?”
“Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet.” The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, “Do you have sex?”
“Yeah, once a week or so,” he said, then adds hurriedly, “but only with my wife!”
“As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.”
The man is appalled. “Doc, are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?”
“I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you, is going to seem like an eternity!”
Dyslexic comedian — “Guy walks into a bra...”
Bad work history — A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes,” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter!”
Home remedy — Katie went up to her mother one day while holding heer stomach and said, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.”
Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty. You have to put something into it!” She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the family sat down to dinner, Katie’s father, Harold, began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, “I have such a terrible headache!”
Katie looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give, and said, “That’s because it’s empty. You have to put something into it!”
Hard time — Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one officer came over and said, “When they say the movie is due by noon the next day, they mean it!”
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! — Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begorra, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith and it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”
The first guy exclaims, “The good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night; the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
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